Thursday, April 28, 2011

Praying through the frustration

Sometimes it's really hard not to feel like a big fat fail. I don't like it at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who has never failed at things in life, but up until this point they have all been small things. Kickball, volleyball, basketball, OK anything involving a ball, I never won any kind of Bingo in school, my senior year my winterguard team that I put my heart and soul into got last at every competition we went to, I've fallen off horses more than I've stayed on, I stopped doing gymnastics when my sister who's 5 years younger than me got better than me, I only got the Participation badge in Elementary when we did the Presidential Physical Fitness Test...and the list of little things could go on and on.

But...I have never failed at something that was really big. I've always done well in school, I never had to re-take standardized tests, I've always written good papers (minus one that a professor ripped apart one time and made me cry, haha),I've never failed a final, I don't tend to let people down, I work to strengthen my faith, I hold on to my values, I have been told that I am super-creative when it comes to lessons, I feel that I've truly found my calling in teaching, and I've gotten any job I've ever interviewed for.

Until now. Yes, I understand that getting a teaching job is not the same as getting a job at Victoria's Secret, but I didn't expect not getting the teaching job I recently interviewed to hit me so hard. The interview was Tuesday, and I found out last night that a friend of mine got the position. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her, she is lucky to be in such a great school, and she is going to do an amazing job! I'm just dealing with these feelings and thoughts of "I would've done an amazing job too...or at least I think so...will I be an amazing teacher?...Am I really good enough? What did I do wrong? Is anyone going to want me?" What sucks is that I'm pretty sure I will be a good teacher because it has become the one thing I feel I am truly good at. So when will I get to put this into real life? (Is this real life? haha sorry; gotta love David at the Dentist)

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I am lucky to have some people in my life who do believe in me and have been encouraging about this whole Taren-fails-at-life thing that I've been dealing with for the last 16 hours, haha. Luckily, I think it will pass. Until I don't get another job...and then maybe another...but alas! I need to keep my head held high because one of these days I will find the school that is the perfect fit and it will come just as surely as I thought it wouldn't. Does that make sense? If not, too bad. Ha! Anyway, I just get terrified when I think about the possibility of not finding a job. What the heck do I do for an entire year?? Para, or sub, and work at Buffalo Wild Wings in the evenings? I'm blessed to have a family that is OK with me living at home for a while...because if I can't find a job that might be my only option, haha. Good thing I like my fam and they like me!

I know that God is taking care of me. Each and every day, even when I don't think He is, He's got my back. He isn't going to let me go uncared for. I just need to keep trusting that I am not waiting to be a part of God's plan for my life; I'm already in it and He is working in my life right here in Manhattan, real-teaching-jobless. (Thanks to Hannah for reminding me of this!) I cannot let one failed interview beat me down like this. There is a plan, even if it isn't working in the time frame that seems convenient for me.

So, with a timidly-held head up high, I'll go back to filling out some more job applications. Hopefully one of them doesn't have to be B-Dubbs :)

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