Praying through the frustration

Sometimes it's really hard not to feel like a big fat fail. I don't like it at all. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one who has never failed at things in life, but up until this point they have all been small things. Kickball, volleyball, basketball, OK anything involving a ball, I never won any kind of Bingo in school, my senior year my winterguard team that I put my heart and soul into got last at every competition we went to, I've fallen off horses more than I've stayed on, I stopped doing gymnastics when my sister who's 5 years younger than me got better than me, I only got the Participation badge in Elementary when we did the Presidential Physical Fitness Test...and the list of little things could go on and on.

But...I have never failed at something that was really big. I've always done well in school, I never had to re-take standardized tests, I've always written good papers (minus one that a professor ripped apart one time and made me cry, haha),I've never failed a final, I don't tend to let people down, I work to strengthen my faith, I hold on to my values, I have been told that I am super-creative when it comes to lessons, I feel that I've truly found my calling in teaching, and I've gotten any job I've ever interviewed for.

Until now. Yes, I understand that getting a teaching job is not the same as getting a job at Victoria's Secret, but I didn't expect not getting the teaching job I recently interviewed to hit me so hard. The interview was Tuesday, and I found out last night that a friend of mine got the position. Please don't get me wrong, I am so happy for her, she is lucky to be in such a great school, and she is going to do an amazing job! I'm just dealing with these feelings and thoughts of "I would've done an amazing job too...or at least I think so...will I be an amazing teacher?...Am I really good enough? What did I do wrong? Is anyone going to want me?" What sucks is that I'm pretty sure I will be a good teacher because it has become the one thing I feel I am truly good at. So when will I get to put this into real life? (Is this real life? haha sorry; gotta love David at the Dentist)

I'm sorry to be such a downer. I am lucky to have some people in my life who do believe in me and have been encouraging about this whole Taren-fails-at-life thing that I've been dealing with for the last 16 hours, haha. Luckily, I think it will pass. Until I don't get another job...and then maybe another...but alas! I need to keep my head held high because one of these days I will find the school that is the perfect fit and it will come just as surely as I thought it wouldn't. Does that make sense? If not, too bad. Ha! Anyway, I just get terrified when I think about the possibility of not finding a job. What the heck do I do for an entire year?? Para, or sub, and work at Buffalo Wild Wings in the evenings? I'm blessed to have a family that is OK with me living at home for a while...because if I can't find a job that might be my only option, haha. Good thing I like my fam and they like me!

I know that God is taking care of me. Each and every day, even when I don't think He is, He's got my back. He isn't going to let me go uncared for. I just need to keep trusting that I am not waiting to be a part of God's plan for my life; I'm already in it and He is working in my life right here in Manhattan, real-teaching-jobless. (Thanks to Hannah for reminding me of this!) I cannot let one failed interview beat me down like this. There is a plan, even if it isn't working in the time frame that seems convenient for me.

So, with a timidly-held head up high, I'll go back to filling out some more job applications. Hopefully one of them doesn't have to be B-Dubbs :)

Oh, it's been over a month?

Well, apparently it's been a lot longer than I thought since I last blogged...sorry about that, to my humble 7 followers :)

Not an incredible amount of things have really happened to me in the last month or so, so I hope this blog entry is still fun somehow! I'm still subbing in JC/The Fort, and I still like it...for now. It really does just make me want my own classroom. I want to decorate and plan and have good discussions with my students and know who they are...so, for now, subbing is fine, but I'm excited to move forward. I'm trying so hard not to be anxious and worrisome about finding a teaching job right now. I know several people who have their jobs lined up for next school year, and I'm not even close. I do trust in the Lord and His plan, and I know He will take care of me. Facing the fact that I do worry about finding a job is hard, because that shows doubt in the Lord and what He is doing in my life and has planned for my future. I make a conscious decision every day to remind myself that I have put my teaching future in His hands and to just relax and trust. It's hard, but I'm doing my very best! Prayers are appreciated, though!

Oh! I joined MaxFitness here in Manhattan and I stinkin' love it! Now, let me tell you something about me (if you don't already know haha). I HATE working out. Uggghhhhhh hate it! Always have! I don't know why I got the un-athletic gene in my family, but I did. All my siblings are athletes, my mom and dad were both athletes...so IDK what happened, but for some reason I've never enjoyed working out. Luckily, I found out that Max has spin classes. I've always wanted to try one because it looks like they totally kick your butt. Why did I want to try something that would kick my butt? Beats me. But, I did and...it's gotta be one of the greatest things ever! It really does work your butt off, and it's hard, but something about it just makes it exciting and fun. I love the instructors that I've had, and I've gotten so into it that I even went and bought mountain biking shoes so that I could clip in to the pedals (and it honestly makes the workout so much better!)! So yeah...yay spinning!

I still don't feel like this blog entry is very exciting...I'm sorry :(

This weekend has been a blast, at least! Thursday Heather and I went out for the first time in a while, which had its ups and downs, haha. I like to think I'm somewhat of a social person, because I like meeting and getting to know people, but the bars always make me a little uncomfortable. I'm not 100% sure why, but I always feel awkward at the bars. I mean it doesn't really bother me because I'm used to being awkward, haha. But anyway, Heather makes things fun, so it was a good time. My purple flats got spilled on, which is one of my constant fears anytime I'm around people who are drinking, haha, but as far as I can tell, they're pretty OK. Friday afternoon H and I hung out at Ben's and I did laundry. My trainer at Max at kicked by butt on a BOSU ball thing Thursday evening so I could barely move. That made for some hilarity, as far as my grunting and groaning went. Ben also thought it was funny to squeeze and punch my quads a few times...I yelled pretty loudly when that happened. Butthead.

Miss Sarah Troutt had her bridal shower on Saturday morning, which was so so much fun :) It made me even more excited for her wedding next month! I'm gonna cry, I just know it! Yay weddings!

Last night was an Air Force ROTC dining out, so Ben and I got all prettied up and had a great time! He ate salad and danced, so it was a night of me seeing new things from him, haha :) (PS he's my boyfriend now, in case no one caught that) Here's a pretty picture of us from last night!

UCC this morning was wonderful, as always, and really got me thinking about my motivations for doing some things. The sermon was on Jesus washing the disciples feet on the night he was to be betrayed by Judas. Humbleness and Humility are traits I think I possess, but it got me thinking that there are some things that I do sometimes that might be motivated by the desire to be better at something than someone, or maybe to make them feel guilty that they aren't doing it. Either way, neither of these motivations are Christ-like or reflective of how someone with a pure and full heart would have, so I am going to work on making sure my motivations for my actions are just as positive and right as the actions themselves! I love when I leave church and truly feel convicted to work on myself and my relationship with the Lord! Next Sunday is Easter, and I always love Easter services. Heather and Be's families are coming, so that makes it even better!

Okay, well, I think that should do it for now...my apologies for how LOOOONG this is! I felt like it needed to be since I waited so long between entries. I'll try to be better!

Until next time...

"Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” --John 13:7

Stop sinning; start walking!

So said Ryan Hayden at UCC this last Sunday! It was so great. It was a wonderful sermon, as always, but that little phrase was what really stuck with me. Sometimes we get so caught up in worrying about what other people are doing and if they are living their lives right that we stop keeping up with ourselves. Instead, we (okay, I...I tend to talk in "we's" when I start talking about myself and my hang-ups in hopes that they are someone elses, too!) need to stop being stagnant and standing still and start walking with the Lord! Walking the walk, talking the talk, and living a life that shows people Christ's love for all of us and how he brings about a huge change in the heart and soul and mind of a person who has accepted Him into their life! (My grammar, run-on sentences in particular, gets a little rough when I get excited like this. I don't really go through and proofread my blogs because I don't feel like I need to. So don't hate!) Discipleship has always been difficult for me to do, so to make up for it I have at least tried to constantly live a life that reflects Christ. I hope I'm doing a good job! I don't think that was the point of Ryan's message, but I think it's okay if it leads us to thinking about ourselves and our personal walk with the Lord.

Also! I felt something at church this weekend that was both exciting and convicting. When worship started, I just wanted them to hurry up and get done so that we could get to the preachin'! I love worship and I love our praise band, but I was really just hungry or something to learn something! The exciting part was how much I felt the pull on my heart to hear, listen, and learn. The convicting part was that I couldn't remember feeling like that before. Even worse, sometimes I didn't even want worship to end because it was my favorite part and sometimes the message just got in the way. I hope I continue being excited for the message...I know I could use more time in the Word. During communion time I prayed for several things, and thanked God for many things, as usual, but I also thanked Him for letting me feel that hunger, that fire, to learn about Him. I ask that you put me and that fire in your prayers, too! We all need a little help! (There I go with the "we" again!)

This just in! My English content exam scores are in...and I think I did pretty stellar! Out of 200 possible points, I got 191! I was pretty worried about it, actually, and whaddayaknow...I did above average!! I don't usually toot my own horn, but...*toot toot*!! Now I can apply for my KS license and then my TX license and I can start really applying for jobs! I won't lie, I'm pretty terrified about finding a job. It seems like all I hear about is education budget cuts and teachers losing their jobs. How am I supposed to get a job when teachers can't even keep the ones they have? And its not like they're only firing crappy teachers...they're firing good ones. My Mammy's niece was told, all in the same day, that they were not going to renew her contract and that she had won New Teacher of the Year award. I'm sorry, but WHAAAAT?! That doesn't even make sense to me. So, needless to say, worried and scared. This is when I refer back to my last blog about worrying, haha.

By the way, if you have read my blog before then you know it didn't look like this last time...is it pretty? I can't decide. Thanks :)

Okay, well, that's it from me. I don't have anything cute to end with...so there! Yeah, Swan Lake! (Despicable Me quote people, come on!) Ciao!

Sometimes, it's okay if things don't work out.

Because, after all, something not working out can lead to something even better working out! No, it's not always fun when something you put time into doesn't go like you hoped it would, but really it's just God's way of prepping you for what's to come. He wants us to be comforted by knowing something is coming that is just what He planned, so we need to relax and let Him work. Or at least I need to relax. Maybe other people aren't having this problem right now, so maybe I shouldn't say "yall, us, or we" because it's really not fair to assume (hope?) that I'm not the only one struggling with trusting the Lord's plan and just letting go.

Letting go. Sounds like the simple thing...but it's easier said than done. I don't know why, but I've always had this incredible desire (sometimes it feels like a need) to plan. I feel like there always has to be a plan, no matter what's going on. "Oh, day trip to the lake? Sure sounds great! What time are we leaving? What time should we be there? Are you picking up so-and-so because if you are then I'll get so-and-so and if you aren't then we'll have to call so-and-so so that they can go get them and then where should we meet? Which suit are you wearing because I was going to wear my black one, but if everyone's wearing black then our pictures might look like an aquatic funeral. Should I bring a cooler? Because I won't if you do, but if you don't then we still need one, so I'll bring one. Who's buying stuff to put in the cooler? What vehicle are we taking? Where will everyone be before and after we go?" It's almost crazy how I feel like everything needs to be planned in order to be fun. I have a hard time with just doing the "throw-and-go." I wish I didn't...so I'm working on it.

I really do believe I've gotten a little better about this recently. I'm still not really flying by the seat of my pants, but I do feel like I've gotten better about cutting out about half the questions listed above when an event is coming. I know that women are genetically programmed to worry about things (after all, if we didn't, who would worry about things? In my experience, men don't worry about much. Not the things women think deserve being worried about, anyway. Haha!) but at the same time, I've always known in the back of my head that worrying is the same as lacking trust in God...right? If I'm worried about something, I'm not leaving it in God's hands and trusting He has it under control. If I know this is true then why do I continue to do it? Why do I struggle so much with letting go of things and resting assured that it's already taken care of?! Sheesh. I feel like this makes me sound a little crazy...but, I'm not. Not the bad kind of crazy, anyway.

In any case, the 'thing that didn't work out' for me that even brought up this blog isn't even that big of a deal, haha. It's funny the things we discover about ourselves through small events. Maybe, like I kind of said in the beginning, those small events that kinda stink sometimes are there for that reason: to make us think about ourselves and our lives. And, to be little reminders that everything is under control. Not under our own control, but Gods, as much as I try to be in control of things.

So, in essence, I guess the advice I'm giving that I am also trying to follow is: Relax, don't stress out and worry about everything, remember that God is in control, and don't be afraid to fly by the seat of your pants sometimes! Like the song goes, "You make all things work together for my good!"

My prayer right now is: "I trust you are in control Lord, so help me put that into practice every day!"

Until next time... off I go, attempting to follow my own advice! :)

Snow days stink when you're a grown up!

My intention in blogging is not to use it as an outlet for my frustration and annoyance...but I'm annoyed and need to talk about it for a sec. I am a girl who has a Bachelor's degree. I have no teaching job. Therefore, I am a substitute teacher. Subbing means I'm not on contract. Snow days mean no school. No school means no work. No work means no money. No money means using savings. And that stinks. So, snow days can suck it!

Okay, done with that! Yay! Last week was my first week of subbing and it was pretty interesting! I subbed in two second-grade classes, a kindergarten class, and a HS English class. Being as my degree is secondary, stepping into those elementary classrooms was a whole other world! A fun one, most of the time, but still SO different! I've definitely said the following phrases more in a week than ever before: "Bottoms in your seat, all four legs on the floor!" (to which I got "but we don't have four legs!! Hahahahaha"), "No, you may not go to the bathroom; you just went ten minutes ago," "eyes on me, lips still!," "do you need to move your color or can you handle following directions?" "criss cross apple sauce," and so on. Despite all that, they really are pretty cute and hilarious! They say the silliest things and it's so funny! And they love me, so that helps :) The kids I subbed for Monday were not the same as Friday, but at recess the ones from Monday remembered me and ran up to hug me! I love feeling loved! They are all so diverse and full of personality; they are fun to work with. On the other hand, I like that with secondary I don't have to hand out Kleenex's for snotty noses all day, haha. Also, in kindergarten, I had to make a boy move his color to yellow, and he started crying. When I talked to him about why he was crying, he said that because he was moved to yellow the day before, his mom took away his Xbox, and if he got in trouble today, she would take away his TV. He cried for about 15 minutes, and I felt pretty bad...but I couldn't go back on it or I'm a huge softie!

Sidenote: Heather and I have had more stupid jokes the last few days than normal...not that I'm complaining :) And we started saying "totes" a lot, haha.

Another sidenote: I finally got some James Dean up on my wall! I feel like my room is finally pretty much decorated, and oh my my what a beautiful face to wake up to every day :) And I did it for pretty cheap; I found a James Dean calender at WalMart for like $2, cut out the ones that are my favorite (I chose 5...it was hard to narrow it down!), matted them on black paper and just hung them up! I love it!

So K-State finally canceled school for the first time in like 4 years, so my roommates were pretty excited, haha. Heather and I made a WalMart/gas run at 7:30 this morning and had a fabulous time sliding around outside on the ice before we left! I decided I really should be a snowboarder at some point in life, so I was working on sliding around on the ice rink that was our parking lot working on my balance :) It was more fun than it should've been, I think! That's okay! We're supposed to get somewhere between 8-10 inches of snow over the next 36 hours or so, so that's fun...bah. I'm really looking forward to my trip the Bahamas this summer right about now (minus the large amounts of working out I need to do between now and then!).

Okay well, I'm out of fun things to talk about for now, but I hope all of you are being safe through the crazy winter storm that we're supposed to be getting and having fun in your homes! Try to make it enjoyable and not go stir crazy! Go play on the ice and slide around! When we get snow, go play in it! Love today!

--Taren

My Half-Moons are getting better!

Those of you who read my last blog entry...don't worry, this one is actually going to be about something! I feel like there's a million things I want to write about, but I'll try to keep it from getting too lengthy! (And PS in case you didn't catch it, the title is a yoga reference.)

Sunday at church, Kevin Ingram, the president of MCC, gave the sermon. I tell you what...he gives a fanTAStic sermon! The man knows how to teach and humble everyone all at the same time. He talked about how possessions and work rob us of our time with God, and it was pretty convicting. It made me think of something this last semester that fell through the cracks because I was so busy. It had to do with spending time in the Word and spending time with God, and I let my busy schedule get in the way. What's hard to deal with is that I know we need God the most when our lives do get super busy, and I used being busy as an excuse instead. I need to work on that, and am thankful that Kevin Ingram reminded me of that!

Another little lesson I got during church wasn't even given to me by the sermon, but by a guy sitting next to me. When the sermon began, he pulled out his iPhone. I automatically judged him and couldn't believe he was about to text or play a game or something in church! Luckily, my nosiness worked for good when I sneaked another glance over at his phone and lo-and-behold...he was taking sermon notes and looking up the verses we were going over on his Bible app! I immediately felt guilty and couldn't believe I had jumped to so negative a conclusion about him. Shame on me...but I learned that I need to not be so quick to judge because I never know when someone could be doing something productive, like taking sermon notes.

Well, it has been quite a weekend! Simple, and a bit lazy, but nice regardless! I've been house/Petee sitting at the Brown's! They went on a skiing trip and needed someone to watch the pup, so of course I wanted to! Petee is a sweetheart. He may be ornery, but he's so great!

Some funny things I've learned about Petee:
1. At first he didn't like the snow, but now sometimes he wants to find the deepest snow he can and romp around in it, thus making me have to be ready with a towel when we come back inside, otherwise he'll get everything wet!
2. He likes yoga! Or, rather, he likes it when I do yoga because my face is close to the ground a lot, making it easier for him to lick me! He may not be good for concentration, but he's great for making me laugh when I'm about to fall over in pain!
3. He likes to play with his treats before he eats them. I tell him to sit, he does, I tell him he's a good boy then give him a treat, then he sets it down and pounces around on it for a little while! Precious!
4. He must be able to sense that I'm leaving soon, because he has gotten extra affectionate tonight! (AKA humping me. So not a good kind of affectionate, haha)
5. Dark holes scare him. We were on a potty walk earlier (it was dark), and he walked by a dark hole that he couldn't reach or see into, growled, and jumped back in fear! Then he creeped toward the hole again, peeked over the edge, jumped back and growled again! I died laughing!
6. He likes to know what I'm up to (I'm sure he does this with Han, too). If we're hanging out on the couch, or he's laying around or playing somewhere and I get up from wherever I am, he gets up and follows me to wherever I'm going. He's so curious!

I'm really going to miss this little turkey when his Mama and Papa come back tomorrow! I won't miss his 5:19 am wake-up-I-needa-go-potty calls, but I'll miss everything else about him! The snuggles, the pouncing around, the playing chase with himself in the mirror, the taking pictures of all the goofy ways he sleeps, and so on! I need a puppy now, haha. I'm so glad Hannah and Nick wanted me to watch him :) And don't worry you two, I know he has missed you because he scratches your bedroom door several times a day! He will be so excited to see you again!!

Well I guess that's it for now (I know it was plenty, haha)! Hope everyone has had a great long weekend and is excited for the semester to begin! Me, well I don't have classes, but I get to start subbing soon; As soon as I get my TB test taken I can start making money!! Yay for paying bills!

Until next time...


And so, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience
Colossians 3:12

Californiaaaaaa!!

No, I'm not about to announce a vaycay with my roomies to Cali for the week (sadly...), but I have been watching The O.C. every day for about a week now, so that almost is the same...right? Wrong, I know. Bummer, dude. (Tapping into my inner surfer-guy...is it working? I think I can pull it off with a little Bieber haircut and some board shorts. Who am I kidding, these legs are much too white for shorts right now and I could never, ever, pull off a Biebs cut. Cuh-ray-zee.) Cali would be nice right now, what with the 8 inches of new snow outside my apartment door (it's actually really pretty and not awful yet...it's so fluffy!!!!!) but alas...not happening. Anyway, wow that was a dip out of my infinite pot of randomness with a really long ladle. What is wrong with me? Every time I type a sentence I shake my head and chuckle at myself a little. Well, in my head, anyway; two of my roommates are in the room and might think I was a little crazy if they saw me do that. Who am I kidding, I am crazy; have you read the last paragraph?? Nuts.

Now, I have no idea what to write about, because I feel it should be serious after all that lunacy. How about those Ducks? Or Tigers? Or whatever your particular flavor of National Champ you might be sampling?

Okay, nevermind...serious isn't going to happen tonight. I'm too...weird. Or something. :) Still happy though. I like being me, weird or not. Yay!

Until next time...

Psalm 32:11
Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!




--Taren